WHY TEXT MESSAGES MEAN 'NO DATE'

Here’s what happens when you’re single for a long period of time, OR when you’re single at my age. People judge you.

They think, even if they don’t admit, “I wonder why she’s still single?’ Or worse, “I can see why she’s still single?”

There are times however that I demand a certain behaviour from a ‘potential’ and I believe it’s not too much to ask.

So here’s how it goes, and it goes like this a lot….. I give said bloke my phone number. Pretty simple, so far so good. Then here’s where things get tricky.

At some point soon thereafter, I expect the bloke to call me. That’s right, I would like them to call me, not text me. Although I realize that most men these days hide behind the text as a way of testing the waters to see if I’m still happy I gave out my number.

But the thing is, I was born before 1980, and along with all others of that time, grew up picking up the phone receiver.

Dialing a number, and having the guts to say “HELLO”. Yes sometimes it was scary, but oh the joy when the person you like, was at the other end.

You knew that someone really liked you in those days because they made a tiny bit of effort to get the ball rolling. They really did want to talk to me. Which came in real handy when we’d finally catch up.

So I can’t shake having an issue with a guy texting all the way leading up to a date. Is that high maintenance, or just holding on to some old fashioned standards that I believe should still exist?

I met a guy once, through good friends, who I had a great time hanging out with at a wedding. He seemed, extremely keen to catch up, but when the time came, rather than ring me, he texted, “So you still keen to catch up?”

Call me a psycho boys……such an easy cop out for ‘she expected me to make an effort’ but that pissed me off. I responded with “yeah love to, give me a call!”

He came back with ANOTHER text that said, “cool, where do you want to meet?”

Ok, I’m done now. Because I made it fairly clear, and politely that now was the time to USE the phone to seal the deal, and he didn’t. I found that insulting. And always will.

I then went back, with “If you can’t pick up the phone, then I don’t think we should bother catching up!”

Apparently that made me HIGH MAINTENANCE. Yes I can see if looked a bit harsh. In hindsight I should have simply not responded.

I had another ‘date’ recently, that came about when I didn’t even think he was going to ask me out, AND wasn’t even attracted to him. Out of the blue he said face to face “so should we catch up?”

Caught on the hop, and meeting him through a friend, I said “Oh, um…. yeah, sure!” He takes my number, and two days later, texts me…and says “so when are you available to catch up?”

Now let me point out, that this guy was not born in the 80’s…so…no excuse…but I go with it, right up until the day.

So we arrange that on said day (he’d explained he wasn’t finished work 7.30pm) , and by 6pm I still haven’t heard from him. No stress, as I wasn’t necessarily keen, and I was doing my own thing. However, again am I high maintenance to think that he should have checked in to see if we’re still on?

He then TEXTS ME, as I’m out with friends, saying “just finished work, will RING you soon.” Ok, fine, at least there’ll be a call. And without going into it, his job was fairly hard-core

So he rings, I tell him that I will wait at the bar with my friends until he arrives. Making it very clear that these friends would leave when he arrives.

I then get a TEXT back…saying “sorry not keen on coming to XXX street. A private catch up is all I can do.”

Now, NO, we didn’t meet on at 2am at some sleazy dive, we met through nice friends.

So I cut him some slack thinking, “ok maybe he thinks that I’m saying ‘come hang out with my friends’” So I text back and say “Oh no, they’re leaving when you get here, so up to you?”

He comes back with “Have fun. Will give it a miss.”

Now does it make me HIGH MAINTENANCE, or is that just really dumb?

There will be no dates with the text KINGS…………. Cause I simply find it all a bit dull, and quite rude.

42 thoughts on “WHY TEXT MESSAGES MEAN 'NO DATE'

  1. I’m a big fan of the text message in general everyday use… but in this instance, you gotta use the phone! That early on, a text is only good for when you need a give someone the name of a place, or an address.

    “Do you know that place? No worries, I’ll text you the address in a minute.”

    No, I don’t think you’re high-maintenance. Just normal. 🙂

  2. Amber, i am a guy born in 1970, so ubderstand what you are saying about the phone but for me a very shy person socially, txting has become a new form of communicating but there are times i wish people could actually call and talk about things or even meet face to face.
    Amber, you are a very interesting person and you are really brave doing what you do and talking about it with strangers. I wish you luck and hope that you remain happy in all you do. hug from a friend 🙂

    • yes I totally understand the shy factor, but we’ve all got to push through that barrier. You wouldn’t think it but I’m awfully shy when it comes to dating. So much so that I don’t do it that much. I’m always let down though by all the annoying texting that goes on. It just feels like we’re off to such a bad start…….

  3. Amber,
    I am exactly like you…so I dont believe it is high maintenance, it is just manners. I don’t even think it is old fashioned thinking. These guys that set up dates via sms will be the same guys that dump you by sms…Make no exceptions, stick to your standards. The guys that are genuine, will do the right thing….They will make more effort!

  4. Hey Amber,

    *breathes an enormous sigh of relief*. Praise the Lord for you bringing back some normalcy into the dating scene. We should be ashamed of ourselves to let it get to a point where we think it’s ok to text in a lead up to a first date.

    And how did we get to this point where we had to question that if we are HIGH MAINTENANCE just because we would like a phone call? Hmmm.

    Raise the bar, my darlink and they will rise to meet it.

    Butterfly kisses

    mwah

  5. Amber, let’s get one thing straight. ALL women are HIGH MAINTENANCE, it comes with the territory. I have absolutely no problem with that and, fellas, if you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen!

    There are some great rules to follow to make the maintenance levels a lot lower, but that’s Secret Men’s Business, Amber!!!!

    What you’re looking for is Baby Boomer manners in a Gen X/Y world! Texting shows you how much effort people are going to make in a relationship, i.e. not much!

    Wasn’t there a chick flick out recently called, “He’s just not that in to you . . . “???

  6. I don’t think you are high maintanence, it does however seem like you tend to pick the wrong type of man for you. Myself I am a little shy and using text can be a good way to have a conversation without making a mess of it by saying the wrong thing or having an unconfortable silence. However I was born before the 80’s and believe that the main use of the phone is talking and if you need to say something important, do it face to face. I think it is good that you hold on to certain traditions and don’t let technology dictate how you should date. All the best with your dating, I am sure a beautiful lady as yourself will find a very good man.

  7. Amber, I don’t think you’re high maintenance at all but what about giving them your land line and not your mobile, then they have to actually call. Give mobile only AFTER first date (if it goes well). Problem solved?

  8. Ive been dating known a guy for over 8 yrs, we have been dating seriously for the last 2, he rung me for the first time only recently, we had texted solidly the whole time, i must admit, after 8 yrs when he rung me, even tho i see him 3-4 times a week, i got nervous !!! LOL Oh and btw im born in 1970. Sure i agree with all your saying amber, but i think sometimes u have to allow new technology and new ways in. Its the way the world goes and sometimes weather u like it or not, u have to go with it. I dont like that they replaced all the old trams, and i want the old MILO bars back god dammit, but sometimes i just have to eat my twix and shutup LOL

  9. Hi Amber, great column (as always)! I wanted to support you in your article. Men, please please please do not text. I am a singles coach and matchmaker and I cannot tell you strongly enough how off putting it is for ladies over 30 to receive wishy washy text messages asking for a date. Honour the lady. Give her the invested time that you wish her to reciprocate. If you want her ‘to be into you’, then you are best placed to give this to her first. By picking the phone up and showing her you want to talk to her, that you want to ask her out, that you want to spend time getting to know her, is one very easy and clear way of setting your intentions with her.

    By sending a text message, you are giving her a message that I have two seconds to spare so lets she what she is up to. You are not honouring her at all. You are not showing her you are into her and you are not showing her that you want to get to know her a bit better.

    I understand texting is a great way of holding off the fear of rejection however if she says no to you, she isn’t saying no to you personally. The chances are she doesn’t even know you. If you have recently met and you wish to ask her out, and she declines, then she is only saying no to you based on her initial assessment of you. She doesn’t know you to say no to you personally. You could have the same appearance as her ex and she is thinking….’i cant go there again’ or you could have the same job occupation as someone who really hurt her in the past so she again ‘isn’t going there again’. Now these judgements while incorrect are her problem and not yours. They are her reality based on her past which has nothing to do with you. By building resilience to rejection, you can stop hiding behind text messages and step out as the confident wonderful person you are. Give her the chance to see you as you are. A wonderful, confident and genuine person who is desiring to have someone wonderful in their life.

    If you text message because you are seeking her approval of you first then stop. It can get very creepy if someone starts sending loads of text messages after a first meeting or date purely because you are desiring confirmation from her that she too is ‘into you’. Stop texting if you are needing her validation of your self worth. If this is you, then out a freeze on texting for 48 hours after seeing her.

    Ask what is your intention in sending the text message. Is it I had such a great night and want to thank her for her time and company then send the message (just the one). However if your intent is to send the message because you had such a great time and you really hope she did too and you need to know NOW if she is feeling the same way…. then do not send the text.

    I hope this helps
    Have a great day
    Jane Donovan
    http://www.facebook.com/janesloveshack

  10. To all fellas reading this blog (particularly Jane Donovan’s comment) – and we wonder why women can be high maintenance!!! And please refer to Amber’s blog “Why it’s our fault men are so confused” as she made a great observation of the status of many contemporary men.

    To all women reading this blog – get a copy of Geoff Barker’s book “What’s on a Man’s Mind”. On second thoughts, EVERYONE get a copy of this book. From a man’s perspective it’s a GREAT READ and from a woman’s perspective it shows you how NOT to overly complicate us. We are, after all, simple creatures.

    A snippet from the book (not verbatim) – Most women understand a lot more about men than they think they do. It’s just that they’re unable to accept the facts . . .

  11. Right!

    Can I just put it there that “He’s Just Not That Into You” was the biggest, steaming pile of horse s*** ever inflicted by the hand of man upon the populace? “Sleepless In Seattle” is the only half way decent American love story of the past 20 years.

    Texting in the context of dating, pre-dating or courting should be a capital offence, punishable by being put in the stocks and being pummeled to death with rotten vegetables.

    I have a bakelite telephone in my office (yes – like Carrie Bradshaw’s) and it is not attached to an answering machine. When it rings, I answer it.

    The End.

    • Good on you Dean!!!!!!!! The whole thing of texting, as you say, just extends some women’s confusion as to whether the guy is into you or not, or just looking for someone to fill in the gaps (so to speak). And Yes, they should be pummelled with the old mobiles, not rotten veggies. The big old phones that were like bricks cause it needs to hurt them enough that they get the message. NOT THE TEXT MESSAGE…………..

  12. Hey Mark T another great book for women to understand men is ‘Act like a lady, think like a man’. Its fabulous and has some very sound advice.
    Cheers
    Jane

  13. Thanks Jane! I will most certainly look that one up. I love the title because what I believe has happened is that a lot of women have lost sight of the ability to act like a lady, e.g. the rise of the “ladette”. Where the hell has women’s grace gone!?!? Thinking like a man is pretty simple because simple creatures we are!!!

    P.S. Like your FB page.

    P.P.S. Dean, I agree with you regarding “He’s just not that in to you”, but “Sleepless in Seattle”??? That’s 5 star chick flick fantasy!!! Please don’t tell me you’ve seen “Sex in the City” . . . .

  14. Boys get severely confused by girls all the time, if this is the only problem you have in life with us then (and i am sure it isn’t) it’s a simple one to fix, since we (but maybe not me) seem to have quiet a few with you lot :).

    ‘Just say, ‘can you please call, i hate texting’ when you first meet or through the first text exchange, if they continue, tell them to piss off.’

    it’s a simple yes or no option, one we understand well.

    we are a bit more perceptive then you give us credit for, or sometimes we just shoot ourselves in the foot for guessing the wrong way.

    If i could be bothered telling you the merry-go-round of ‘dating’ I’ve been subjected to in the last 12 months it would make for some ‘interesting’ – read: sad reading!

    Put simply though, if boys had not been jerked around so much by girls in the past they probably would have a lot more courage to actually call, but lets be fair, the cumulative total of enough knock backs will lend one to try and sus out the situation with the least amount of personal grief available (in this case testing the water with a couple of quick texts)

    Saying all that though, some people are just lazy & shit… 🙂

    Personally I’d use a mixture of both & neither seems to be less or more important in my books, just whatever is best suited to the situation at the time.

    Bob the Underground Dog

  15. Wonderful goods from you, man. I’ve understand your stuff
    previous to and you are just extremely great. I actually like what
    you’ve acquired here, certainly like what you’re saying
    and the way in which you say it. You make it entertaining and you still care for
    to keep it sensible. I can not wait to read much more from you.
    This is really a great web site.

  16. Tremendous issues here. I’m very happy to look your article.
    Thanks so much and I’m taking a look forward to touch you.
    Will you please drop me a mail?

    my site; m88

  17. Thank you for every other magnificent article. The place else may just anyone
    get that type of information in such an ideal approach of writing?
    I’ve a presentation next week, and I’m on the look for such info.

  18. Hello There. I found your blog using msn. This is a very well written
    article. I will be sure to bookmark it and come back to read more of your useful information.
    Thanks for the post. I’ll certainly comeback.

    Here is my webpage; 7 jailbreak

  19. It’s in point of fact a nice and helpful piece of information.
    I am happy that you shared this helpful information with us.

    Please keep us up to date like this. Thank you for sharing.

    Feel free to surf to my site … m88

Leave a Reply