She sent me this fabulous little invention that would mainly only be embraced by us girls, although I shouldn’t really be so sexist, because these days, it ain’t very clever to strut around with a tan. Unless it’s fake!
So she sends me the TAN-OFF Sunless Removal Kit. It’s available at a whole heap of salons around the country but you can get one from www.tan-off.com.
Let’s face it, who the hell hasn’t had a fake tan shocker?
In fact, you really haven’t lived until you have. God knows there’s one thing to get the heart racing, and colour to your face than realizing the day after your supposed sneaky fakey, waking up and thinking you’re about to look down at your new tanned hot bod, only to realise you look like the old dear in There’s Something About Mary.
I’ve been there, and I’ve been there real bad.
See I’d like to think I have olive skin, but the fact is, while I’m trying to have visions of myself sharing the genetics of Jennifer Lopez, I’m closer to Julia Gillard. No disrespect to Jules, but she ain’t famous for her ‘Hawaiin Tropic, 1988’ packaging.
No, there’s no problem with fair skin, but I’m sorry, I DON’T WANT IT THANK YOU SIR!
So, as a chick of the 80’s, I realized that some tweaking of my good self needed to happen in order to run with the ‘cool kids’. Cut me some slack, I was a teenager, and I wasn’t Molly Ringwald. She was the only kid that managed to pull off pale. I needed a lot more than 16 candles to sell that one in, growing up in Australia.
My first fake tan ‘annus horribilus’ was around 1984. And no there was no bullet with that, cause that meant it was good. The bullet would have been welcomed on the day I decided to coat myself in what was then, the first throes of fake tan on the market.
All my fabulous friends took off on school holidays up to Surfers Paradise, and I sat and rotted in Melbourne. Let’s face it, even if I’d joined them, I would have just come back with 50% more freckles and not enough to join the dots and pull off ‘cool’. So I cheated. And I paid dearly.
Not even having the intelligence to do a ‘trial run’, I coated up a treat the night before school was back. With the result that I looked like Nemo (without the cute), and without the stripes. Laughing stock took on a new meaning. And I still, tried to deny it was a ‘mistake’.
From memory I just charged around school with a look on my face like “one comment and I’ll show you why Linda Blair in the Exorcist got angry.” But I knew what the bastards were thinking.
My next tan ‘debacle’ was many years later, and let me point out, I’m just sharing three of these traumatic events…there are plenty more….in the range of 33……but none of us have time for that………
So next cab of the tan rank was the day I was due to film a spot for MTV at a beach in Sydney. I’m 30 at the time, although quite possibly lied about my age to get the gig. Working opposite my naturally tanned and much younger host, Jason Dundas.
I trot off to the tanning salon in Nth Sydney, and ask them to crank it up as I’m filming something I need to pull off ‘beach babe’ for. Who was I kidding? All I was going to pull off was ‘beach’, cause I was standing on it.
Cut to the horrendous chase and I rock up to the shoot, like a walking terracotta pot. The crew seemed to be having some ‘issues’ with lighting.
Turns out, as my close friend working for the team at the time, privately, and bluntly says “I’m sorry, they’re struggling to light you…..it’s all a bit ‘something about Mary”
The next, genius moment I tried to pull off “something that you’re NOT”, was going to the MTV Awards, and being lucky enough to walk the red carpet with Kelly Slater. Yes, hot, and yes, knows a real tan. Possibly doesn’t know anyone without one actually.
Until he met ME. A spray tan, the morning of the event, was only one of my errors………the next, was the rain.
While Kelly did his best to be the gentleman, grabbing a brolley from someone to protect me……I stood by while he did interviews, watching my tan run into my sparkling shoes.
No matter how hot my date may have been, I was never going to pull the new TIE DYE skin look off. ‘Mortified’ was my new band name that night.
So I ask my friend again, WHERE THE BLOODY HELL WAS THIS FRIGGIN MITT BACK THEN?
And thank you for sending it. I don’t doubt it will save me in the future………… because I’m still not olive. And I have not accepted it yet.
TELL ME YOUR FAKE TAN SHOCKERS? SURELY I’M NOT ALONE………………………………