IS IT FAIR TO BRING A CHILD INTO THE WORLD WITHOUT A FATHER?

I had a rather nasty moment during the week that kind of knocked me for six.  I call it my ‘Sliding Doors’ moment, aka the British American movie back in 1998, where it follows Gwyneth Paltrows’ character living in two kind of parallel universes, with two very different life outcomes..

Most of us at some point have probably had a Sliding Doors moment where you realise a decision you made at some stage in your life has greatly affected the outcome of where you are now. And sometimes that outcome might be confusing to live with.  Hard to know whether begrudgingly, it should be filed under ‘Big Time Regrets’.

Around the same time that this movie came out, I was leaving a long-term relationship, putting the chance of marriage and babies with this man, firmly behind me.

What I didn’t foresee then was that I might have been putting at least the baby side of the equation out of my life forever.  I wonder if I’d known back then that all these years later, that I would still not have found a man who would fit into my life as partner and future parent, and knowing that, would I have stuck around?

My sliding door opened on me this week as I sat in the office of our family business, when my brother piped up behind me and said ‘Hey look at this!’

I turned around to see him pointing at his computer screen, which had on it two large photos of the most beautiful baby I think I’d ever seen.  ‘Wow, who’s that?’ I asked already kind of envying the lucky new parents.

‘It’s Justin and Kate’s new kid,’ he replied in what I quickly decided was just a tad on the thoughtless side.  My ex boyfriend’s first child.  And not just his first child, but the child that looks the spitting image of himself.

Now sure most people might say ‘for heavens sakes that was so long ago that relationship’, but in truth it was the last real relationship where future and the big life commitment topics were for me at least, ever genuinely on my plate.

And I chose to go, to leave him and our dreams behind.

Of course it wasn’t quite that cut and dry and I did leave with huge sorrow and dragged it out for as long as I could. We weren’t making each other happy but we did love each other very much, but not I thought, enough to make happy parents to a child.

As the day wore on last week, with the perfect, gorgeous child’s face etched in my mind, I became engulfed in a cloud of regret, that perhaps I had made bad decisions in my life, and destroyed my chance at having my own perfect child.

So as most women, and some men do when they’re in the eye of an emotional storm, I called my girlfriends and cried like a nut down the phone.  And although they were all full of support and tender wisdom, the one thing they all offered as a ray of hope, I couldn’t take on.  And I won’t.

‘You know you can still have a baby if you want.  You can do it on your own.’ Yes, it is true that more and more women are opting for sperm donors in order to conceive.

Or, and this is an option I find more disgusting than anything I could fathom, there are those that get themselves pregnant by tricking a guy into unsafe sex, or conveniently encouraging ‘so called passionate’ reckless sex, all with the aim of getting what they want.    Which I believe is absolutely sick!

I believe it’s a bit of a worry the way society is becoming so accepting of women going into single parenting as a decision before conception, because that decision is about themselves, not the child.

Just because something can be done doesn’t mean it should be done.  For me, my child needs a father, and I will not make a decision to remove that.

EVER HAD A SLIDING DOORS MOMENT?

WOULD YOU GO IT ALONE WITH A SPERM DONOR?

14 thoughts on “IS IT FAIR TO BRING A CHILD INTO THE WORLD WITHOUT A FATHER?

  1. Fathers teach daughters how to interact with males,and teach sons how to interact with females. To knowingly deprive a child of the valuable relationship of a father is motivated by purely selfish reasons. This alone should negate them from solely raising a child.

    • Couldn’t agree more, I know for myself and other female friends that haven’t had their fathers around, there is a struggle in adult life to understand and connect with men because there’s not been a healthy basis or beginning established with the most important male in their lives. Often we end up trying to heal or fill the void with future partners which is not about them and creates an imbalanced relationship which isn’t fair on the boyfriend/husband. thanks for your comment.x

  2. I think we are all entitled to our own opinion and just because ones opinion differs from our own doesn’t necessarily make it wrong. Based on my own experience growing up I would have to disagree with you on this one Amber. As a child I grew up with a father that was frequently physically abusive towards my mum. My mum felt that it was better for me to have both my mum and father around me at home and have the influence and guidance of a father figure rather than living in a single parent home and therefore stayed in a situation she may not have had I not been in the picture. It wasn’t until I was 16 that my mum finally packed us up and left and I honestly believe that decision came about 10 years too late. Living in a situation where I feared for my mums safety for so many years obviously had a massive effect on me as a person, I resented my father deeply and 15 years later have no contact with him at all. I truly believe that had my mum made the decision to leave that situation earlier it would have made for a much happier, healthier and stable environment and I would have been all the better for living in a single parent home where I was loved and supported no less. So my point is just because you grow up as a child with a father figure in your life that doesn’t always make it the best or most healthy option.

    • I absolutely agree with you, and I’m sorry to hear about your experience, and your mum’s. VERY tough.xx i think it’s a big mistake (although I understand the thought process of staying) to have two parents in the house just for the sake of the child, or for financial reasons. So much damage can be done if one or both parents is unhappy or abusive. Kids are SOOO intuitive and desperately need security which means that when there is unrest of any degree in a family, the child is not feeling secure and that is more damaging that not having the parent around. OR some might say just a different type of damage. Although of course I’m not talking about the extreme of mental and physical abuse because that is at the very bad end of the scale. So, no, my point with this column is really just about MY opinion on the ‘planning to get pregnant’ stage…and as part, choosing before conception for the child to have no father. That decision I feel is more about the parent rather than the child and FOR ME I couldn’t make that one. It’s really because in my own experience, for the type of child I was, I yearned deeply for my father, a father perhaps to be there far more than he ever was. Everyone feels passionate about certain things based purely upon what sort of personality they are, coupled with what sort of experiences and programming they had as a child. Thank you though so much for taking the time to comment, and share so much.x

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