With a neutral heart, I wanted some answers as to why, and to his reflection of what he’d done to his past loves.
I also wanted desperately for him, to feel that he not only had a handle on his mental issues, but because I have huge empathy for anyone who has or is battling from mental health that effect their lives in a way that can take them away from their goals and joy.
Matt Newton’s public struggles have provided a gift to society where we unite and say, “No, violence towards women, is never ok.”
I felt the way that Matt described his ‘episodes’ leading up and during were insightful and helpful.
The two stereo’s blasting on either side of a room, one with the peace of Mozart, and the other with pure deafening aggressive noise, were this creative man’s way of painting a picture of a person stuck in between. Where clear thinking and logic cannot be grasped, gets pushed away, and leads to ‘the snap’.
That was a gift for all who of us who struggle to understand the terms of one type of severe mental issues. It’s not an excuse, it’s his truth.
But I just came away from watching this man bare some of his truth, feeling sad that the depth of empathy and understanding for his victims just did not seem to be there.
I compared it to the man I once loved and became the victim of his rage, and firstly I will say that I have forgiven this man in my heart because his childhood was horrific at times, and I wish for him that it had of been better.
No child deserved to be beaten and I believe raped. I say I believe because he could never bring himself to admit that much. But I saw his body heave with emotion as he desperately tried to share his pain, so I would understand why he’d made mine.
I also saw most other times a complete lack of regret.
Mathew described his violence to his friends and famous exes as ‘intolerable’. He used this word several times, and firmly pushed back from what the request of what he had to o say to his victims. Hiding behind the excuse that he didn’t want to bring anymore attention to them.
I didn’t buy it. I felt that either he didn’t want to go into such eloquent detail of what he did to those girls, as he’d done with how the rages affected him, because the truth was not going to sound good for him.
I also felt that, as I know with my ex, who had glimpses of regret, because his pain was so severe, that nothing he did fleetingly to another, especially those who’d had what he perceived as an easier life, that there simply is not the depth of care factor for the scars left on another.
I know that these scars stay with you. I had thought that despite my forgiveness for my ex, that I had healed myself but I was wrong.
It was a day after my 40th birthday, and I was on a huge high. Having been surrounded by so much love, life was shining pretty bright. Until Matt Newton’s last attack on girlfriend Rachel Taylor, and I was asked by a Sydney paper to write another piece on my story.
I went from top of the world, to Ground Zero as I relived my past on my own. I could barely type as my tears streamed down my face.
It’s hard to describe what those emotional scars and memories feel like. Although they can’t be seen, they never go away. They do not define me, and I don’t believe I’m a victim anymore. But to say that they just disappear, even after forgiveness, would not be speaking my truth.
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