(by the way, I accept people don’t see this photo of Kate Hudson when they see me come along) It’s September 2012 and I for one am realising exactly what the hype of this famous year has been all about, and what it truly is all about. Put quite simply, it is the end of the world, as we know it. What that means, for me and countless others I’ve been talking to is any old remaining grief debris that still resides in us are on the way up, and out.
So how that’s been happening certainly for me is through my dreams in conjunction with incidents happening in daily life. One day I’ll be in the middle of a yoga class and all of sudden I’ll have an overwhelming feeling of sadness about my grandmother, who passed over a decade ago now. Tears streaming the whole bit. By moving my energy around at class, this stuff was kind of the next cab of the rank to move through.
I then had a dream about her and the pain I was feeling while in the dream, I acknowledged while still dreaming, that this was too raw to be just missing her. This was the real stuff that hadn’t been allowed to flow out. It wasn’t enough to have a full-blown set back but it made me think back to how I may have not grieved to the full and healthy extent.
What I discovered through reflection was that I had at the time of her last few weeks been so pre occupied with knowing she wanted to leave this earth and go back to passed loved ones, that my attitude was like ‘this is the right thing her going’ had distracted my pain release. And when the rest of the family were rallying in hope that she’d pull through each operation, I instead silently cried when she did, and perhaps didn’t cry enough when she actually went.
There have been many things that have come up throughout this year, as they kind of rear their heads through my dreams and through things playing out in my current life, I then process them, join some dots and then I let it go.
My recent, today dream related 2012 stuff is about letting go of my insecurity in regards to my physical looks. I remember growing up and always having my mother, my aunt and my grandmother around which I always have fond memories of. They were great women, very strong, all talked at the same time and would occasionally say a lot of outrageous things. One such regular comment from the pack, which I know they never meant to harm me with, was they would always point out if I was having what they called a Pretty Day or a Plain Day.
As a kid I only really remember being excited about when I was having a pretty day, and that the power of their words were such that I would feel like somehow I’d been transformed into this gorgeous creature and I felt it inside and out. But I knew it wouldn’t last, so it became a bit of a fantasy. A bit of an unattainable state that I could never hold on to because it wasn’t really me. Or so I thought.
Last week I shot a pilot for a series on women that I hope I will be able to get off the ground. On the day of the shoot I turned up with my make up done as I’d never turn up anywhere without a bit of my fantasy face on. When I arrived the women there suggested to me that they thought I’d look better if they wiped much of it off. Of course I was doing a mini panic, as what they were asking me to do was go on camera, with lots of natural light, exposing more of the real me. It freaked me out to say the least but as I wanted to go with the experts, I begrudgingly went along.
Although I made it clear I was feeling a tad out of my comfort zone and that to stop myself from becoming distracted by the fear of this real me I would do the interviews without looking at myself properly in the mirror. This is not something I’d normally do. I’m a mirror girl and my friends have swag of funny impressions they do of me in regards to this.
So yesterday my producer sent me three stills from the shoot. As I opened the first photo and up it jumped at me, the words “oh Jesus, this isn’t good” sprang into my head. I felt sick. “I can’t do this show, I can’t do it looking like that. TV is not for me.”
It really was that dramatic, and I went into this irrational tail spin that resulted in me sending the photos to a friend overseas, who knew the producer and said to her “We need a Skype chat about this, when can you be ready?”
My friend came online she said, “Wow, that’s fantastic sweety, it looks like a really slick shoot.” Feeling despondent I said, “Yeah but look how shit I look? Do you think the producer has sent me these shots to let me know how I look?”
Of course, she thought I was losing the plot and assured me that there is no way the producer would send me the shots just to subtly let me know I look so bad we probably need to drop the idea of having a show.
This morning I awoke from another 2012 dream where I was sitting with an ex boyfriend who was my current boyfriend then, and he was saying that I couldn’t’ do whatever it was, I forget now, because people will notice my face and body sagging and all the things that are wrong with me. He was saying it very matter of factly and as I sat there thinking about it, I started to think, “That’s not fair. That’s so over the top.”
He walked away and I sat there in my thoughts, thinking “I’ve got to break up with him now. I can’t have him tell me these sorts of ridiculous things. How will I ever get anywhere if he tells me this stuff?”
I was sobbing as I was telling him we couldn’t go on like this, and then I woke up.
I lay there as I always do these days and thought, “So what was that really about?” It wasn’t about our relationship, it wasn’t about him, it was of course, as dreams are intended, absolutely about me. It was symbolic of the relationship I have to myself where I am the one that holds these thoughts and fears about myself, and it was time to let it go. Another end.
So it is without fear, on my radar of fix it jobs sent to me by the energy shift of 2012.
As many of us do, especially women, we grow up with ideals of what is the perfect woman, or the version we think we can be. It’s usually based on an image of ourselves that was a moment in time, or an absolute right angle captured on film. Or the other fantasy version of ourselves is that image of a beautiful celebrity that we’ve been told we look like. And subconsciously we get about hoping that this is what the world actually sees. Terrified of random snaps taken without our ‘Face book profile’ face I like to call it. The exact pose we know is safest for us to use to produce the best version of ourselves. But heads move, and we actually don’t look like the celebrity comparison we’d like to think we do.
As Louise Hay said recently at a conference I attended in for Hay House, “I look at myself every morning in the mirror and I say I LOVE YOU LOUISE, I really do.”
It’s time I stopped loving the perfect photo of me and learned to love them all. I’m not superficial and looks obsessed outside of this programmed fear. I am far more interested and enamoured by a person’s beauty inside so I must integrate that properly into my soul now. If I’m derailing in my head over what I look like rather than whether the interview flowed well then I know that something is seriously wrong!
So thank you 2012 for bringing that up, as I know it’s one more ending to come that will ensure my true beginning has the chance it deserves.
WHAT’S YOUR LATEST ‘A-HA’ MOMENT AS OPRAH CALLS THEM? HAS THIS BEEN A WEIRD YEAR FOR YOU TOO?