Someone said to me recently “do you remember the day you realised you were completely bonkers?” Of course I know it was meant as a joke…although there was a slight intensity in his gaze, which lead me to wonder if there was a day and if that day might have been last week when I received an email from Jenna.
Jenna, had tracked me down, writing ‘I understand what a huge role you dog plays in your life Amber Petty, and I know how important it is for you to make your beloved pet happy, comfortable and satisfied. Great news! I know exactly how you can do that, which is why I decided to contact you today and to offer you your Dog’s Full Astrological Reading!’
At first I figured there was a chance this was a joke, some twit of a friend trying to take the piss out of the close relationship I have with my baby Marley. Baby meaning dog, and baby meaning he’s five.
But it wasn’t, it was a legitimate website, well it was up anyway, and Jenna was offering all sorts of insights about Marley for a reasonably small price of $25.00 which would apparently give me a deep understanding of his personality.
I wondered just on this fact alone whether someone might have overheard me chatting to my baby enquiring daily as to how he is feeling about the world. “Are you ok angel? Do you know how much Mummy loves you? Do you really?”
Surely this is all just normal stuff? Nothing to dob me into the American dog astrologist for?
It’s not like I’ve ever taken him to a naturopath or given him Reiki like someone else I know did. It’s just a bit of one-sided conversation between two adoring family members in the privacy of their own home.
And although I’ve spoken to two animals psychics in the last few years about Marley, only on radio not because I actually paid for one of them to draw me a full diagram of my home. Which surprisingly, was nothing like my home, so no wonder Marley apparently liked to hide behind the couch she’d drawn, given he didn’t know where the heck he was?
Jenna has also offered to do a numerology reading on my baby, which will tell me, based on his birth details and mine whether or not we are both compatible.
Before tripping over myself to grab the credit card to send over to Jenna, I wonder if by chance our numbers don’t sit quite harmoniously would it be wise for us to break up? Am I holding him back from having a happier life? Or will it just give me some peace about why he’s pulling on his lead as we go walking because he’s actually trying to get away from me to find a more compatible owner?
‘I will also pinpoint the activities that will best suit your pet’, now this is interesting as perhaps through bad parenting and laziness I presumed Marley’s was going to the park and me throwing him the ball. But now, Jenna has me wondering about whether he’d prefer to be sitting out on a café strip drinking a chilled chardonnay or maybe driving a mini bike on a dirt road somewhere in the country?
‘I will help you find out how to choose the best timing for different activities, grooming, training, sports, walks, etc, that will allow you to get the best results.’ It’s now occurring to me as to why I might have made it to Jenna’s list, she’s heard I’m one of those people with the added nuttiness of not having a human child and as such am looking for ways to treat my dog as if he were one. I am out there re-arranging my day for my Marley as if I was doing a school pick up.
But really, why would I be nutty enough to spend $25 on getting Marley’s astrology done when I can just buy New Idea every week and read our horoscopes from there?