Confessions of a SPANX wearer. C’mon, you know I’m not the only one

I’d like to put it out there right now that this column should have run last week.  For that I am deeply sorry.

Melbourne Cup was yesterday and all around the country ladies were asking the question “Does my bum look big in this?” When really, there was no need.

There’s a little secret out there in the world that is often not spoken of.  It’s a word that makes a lot of people blush, although it’s got nothing to do with sex.  It’s a word that women don’t want men to know about and yet it’s everywhere.

This word I speak of is the word SPANX.  There I said it.

So back in the old days, think your grandmother and the like, you might have seen this heavy duty pair of what looked like pants hanging on the Hills Hoist.

They were a little overwhelming when seen from the eyes of a child as it was hard to understand why Nana needed such a big pair of pants when she really wasn’t that big herself.

I put it down to thinking that as you got older perhaps you weren’t allowed to wear pretty underwear because you’re supposedly not supposed to have sex once you have grandkids.

Never in a million years would I think firstly that I’d end up in a pair of Spanx, but secondly never in a trillion did I think I’d publicly admit I had them on.  Until earlier this year.

I’d arrived overseas to attend a friend’s 40th birthday, which was all very exciting.  I had my black sequin frock, had the fancy shoes and felt pretty prepared.  I was expected to make a speech on the night, which I was a little nervous about.  No actually, I was panic attack central about.

I’d put months of work into producing a really silly video to go with it, which I’d hoped like hell the humour would translate to the foreign audience.

On the night however as I tried not to have too much champagne before I got up in front of this very elegant crowd, I walked onto stage feeling ok and delivered my speech.   As I stood back on stage staring at the screen waiting for it to kick in, there was nothing.

I went back up to the microphone and did what we call in the radio industry, ‘padded’.  Meaning I had to think of something to say.  And then I went back and waited. Still nothing.  Three times, play the video, no video; back to the mike I crawled.

This time in my utter desperation I stormed up to the mike, and said, “Ok well just when I thought this was going to be a tough gig, apparently it’s even tougher.  So…”  I then turn side on to the crowd and said “OK well while I’m here I just thought I’d let you all know that since I got off the plane from Australia I’ve blown up like a balloon.  As you can see this dress doesn’t allow for ballooning. So I made an emergency dash to the shops yesterday and I discovered these amazing things called Spanx, which is just another name for a girdle.  What do you think?  Is it working?”

Somehow I’d ended up mentioning the one thing you’d never admit in public, let alone to this crowd.  And guess what?  They all burst out laughing, knew exactly what they were and even stood up and gave me a round of applause. The video suddenly played and amazingly it all went down a treat.

For the rest of the night, these beautiful women in long flowing formal gowns came up and either admitted they were also in Spanx or gave me a peak.  Apparently there were as many Spanx on the night as there were bow ties.

Not only did my Spanx save my appearance on the night, but it also saved my terrifying speech.  Who would have thought?  All I can say now is “Spanx so much for that!”


72 thoughts on “Confessions of a SPANX wearer. C’mon, you know I’m not the only one

  1. For a moment there, I thought I would have little empathy with woman kind and the whole Spanx thing, but then I remembered – my bike shorts have that inner lining thingy that resembles Spanx. So I feel confident now in saying…

    “I hear ya sister. I hear ya…”

    • Well that’s right!!! And bless you for joining the dots. Believe it or not Spanx are almost the same. They just come in that frightful skin colour so the they don’t show under our gear. Hope you’re well Dean x

  2. Loved your article Amber and I also am a Spanx devotee! When I discovered Spanx a few years ago I was amazed at the confidence they gave me in all my outfits and when you don’t have to worry about breathing in all the time to look thinner!
    I am a Spanx girl through and through . And let’s face it if you can do a little bit of cheating to fake a flat tummy it is totally worth it !
    On the cover of one of my magazines prior to publishing I noticed my Spanx were showing and asked a fresh faced male designer to airbrush them out . Much to his horror that big girl undies could reach ones knees he finally obliged and fixed my photo to remove the visible spandex!

    • Hi Karen, hope you’re well!!!! That is indeed the only worry with Spanx… You’ve got to be careful they don’t crawl out below the hem line…. That’s a busted moment none of us enjoy. X

  3. I immediately alywas think of how hot those Spanx things must be, but have also heard my friends rave about them at the same time. I haven’t been to a wedding in such a long time and envy you being able to get dresssed up and going to one.BTW, I have an award for you on my blog (check the Sat. entry)–I hope you’ll accept?)

  4. I hope you get the Spanx-ing you “need” and want! lolGo out and have a blast – You will be amazing!(don’t froget the pics of the happy couple – that’s you and your hubby 😉

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