I once hilariously had to defend myself against pregnancy rumours, due to an unfortunate gust of wind, coupled with an extra Big Mac maybe I didn’t need. It caused me to ponder about the latest trend of spotting who’s pregnant and who’s not. Had I not been in the vacinity of a particularly lovely royal friend of mine, no one would have given a rats arse…..but alas.
Anyway my point is, you can’t seem to open a magazine without being hit with a ‘is she or isn’t she?’ story. See I always thought that flagging up someone was pregnant before there was any official word was a little bit like playing russian roullette. If you get it wrong, you will without doubt end up dying. Of embarrassment that is!
I know this first hand having witnessed a fellow collegue at a record company, who clumsily blurted out to another co-worker, “Oh my god! I didn’t know you were pregnant?” Only to watch her face drop lower than her supposed unborn faetus, reply, “I’m not!”.
If that weren’t enough, I shamefully also fell victim to the same cringe worthy experience although for some reason the fact that mine was female to female only made it that much worse. Working at a large magazine company at the time, I came across a collegue that I hadn’t seen around the office for some time, who last time I ran into was heavily pregnant. Thinking it more than safe to comment on the baby, I greeted her with a smile and a friendly, “Wow, it seems like you’ve been pregnant forever, when are you due?” The immediate aftermath of that little chestnut, was her shooting me what could go down as the most fierce death stare in history, followed by a sharp, “I had my baby 3 months ago actually!!” Oh dear god, doesn’t time fly!
There is no real way to recover from this sort of incident, by either party, and I must admit I have been so deeply ashamed and scarred by this brief encounter that it now takes an official invitation to a baby shower, and a full tour of the new nursery before I will even utter the words ‘Congratulations on the baby!’ ever again.
However there’s probably a fluffier and floatier reason why we must excuse the mere male for thinking half the female population as we speak are walking around clearly ‘up the duff’! The hottest dress of 2008 is unquestionably the very fashionable ‘maxi dress’. Yes the full length frock that finally gives us women some room to breath! Who could blame us for embracing a look that means you can let it all hang out underneath but on the outside look pretty and feminine. But you can understand that when we’re prancing around town wearing what can easily double as a maternity frock, it must have the poor guys thinking twice before hitting on a pretty girl that catches their eye, fearing being decked by the impending father.
Imagine if Marilyn Monroe or Jane Mansfield were alive today. They wouldn’t have a hope in hell of impressing a casting director because the bodies that made them so famous back in the 50s, were so much more natural than Hollywood now allows. They’d be spending every dollar they earnt on publicists who’d be working around the clock refuting claims they weren’t expecting anything more than maybe a visit from the president. Not that I can see even Marilyn Monroe finding dear old George bush, as powerful as he may be, even remotely attractive.
The shocking fact is that your average woman does not have a flat belly, even on their ‘skinnier days’. Why is it that Boticelli could create so many beautiful images of woman swathed in cloth showing off their curves and round bellies and we appreciate them for what they are? Did the women portrayed in these classic pieces of timeless art have to scramble for the nearest fountain pen so they could shoot out a scroll reassuring art lovers that there was no ‘bun in the oven’, just a hamburger with the LOT?
HAS ANYONE ASKED YOU IF YOU’RE PREGNANT….AND YOU WEREN’T? IS IT JUST ME……………?