Brought to you by my new Love Guru – Jane Donovan….
Achieving a long term relationship has never been easy, in fact as one of my favourite single girlfriends recently said “there’s a lot of %^$#wits out there!”, however with the prevalence of casual sex in our society these days, it’s amazing anyone actually makes it past that initial infatuation stage.
The first three months of a new relationship is an intoxicating, almost surreal space of time. The job and hope that you’ve finally met someone who makes your heart race and gives you that flush of energy that can have you flapping around like some sort of over-excited puppet.
You can’t stop mentioning their name to friends, as if every time you do someone deposits a $1000 dollars in your bank account. Time seems to travel painfully slowly as you wait for the next date, next text, next whatever you can get.
Everything this person does pleases you, even things that would normally annoy the heck out of you. You have officially strapped on your latest pair of Love Goggles.
And oh the dream…… and excitement of having that someone special in your life. You let yourself go, and finally admit that your heart so badly desires to have a full blown soulful love connection.
So head first you go straight into this relationship, like a child in an IKEA ball play centre. Jumping around with a renewed energy you haven’t felt for so long. Feeling playful and free and leaving all those around you noticing positively and possibly cautiously the new spring in your step.
You also may not have had sex for a while, maybe even forgotten that you had missed it, so the thrill of physical intimacy is exhilarating, and your desire to please them is foremost in your mind.
Sadly however many of you wake up from ‘9 and half weeks’ session to find that once again you are facing a stranger. What comes up must come down, especially if you’ve conveniently overlooked the realistic stock take of what you both need in your emotional and lifestyle shop. What you have now, is someone you have zero in common with and those cute quirky traits that endeared you to them, are now all just a big cringe-fest.
Meeting someone you are attracted to initially usually comes about after a physical connection has been made. Physically you find them desirable, pleasing and attractive. Yet to sustain a long term successful relationship, you need to be connected in five different areas. PHYSICAL, INTELLECTUAL, EMOTIONAL, SPIRITUAL AND FINANCIAL.
When someone is physically drawn to be with another, they are only connecting on one level giving any potential relationship a very rocky start. I encourage you to explore your top not negotiable qualities you desire in a partner in each of the five categories.
In-fact write them down and make them your new rules for a potential new partner. If you only like people with a great smile, fit body, certain hair colour and height, then I encourage you to chose the one quality that you could not imagine your partner being without.
And please remember, you’re not perfect superficially anyway, so they shouldn’t need to be either. This is often a huge road block to the search for the one. A false sense of beauty & perfection that rarely exists on either side.
Now execute the same exercise for intellectual. Must they be university educated; must they enjoy political discussions or love doing the daily quiz perhaps?
Now for an emotional connection. Is this ideal person able to express their emotions? Are they to demonstrate good solid love felt relationships with family or friends?
Perhaps you desire someone who can communicate from the heart or handles their emotions in a particular way. Spiritually do you require them to share your beliefs or are you thirsty for someone that can add a new philosophy?
Is there a particular upbringing that is important to you? Financially are they to match your situation or do you desire someone with similar or different future financial goals to yours?
You are now getting a picture of who could potentially be a good match for a serious relationship. Now when you meet someone you are physically attracted to, you also know what to look for in the other areas to give yourself the best chance of success.
I also advise you to spend the first three months of a new relationship really getting to know this person. Gently find out the answers to your top 5 not negotiable qualities. Don’t feel judgemental, just know you’re being realistic and not giving false hope to either of you.
And I highly recommend you leave having sex with this person until you have qualified them as a suitable candidate in all five areas. Sex too soon in a relationship clouds your initial judgement and prevents you from effectively and clearly seeing if they truly demonstrate the qualities you desire in a partner.
I they don’t match your top 5 qualities, and then graciously bow out showing them the respect you’d expect for yourself. Be pro-active in your search for a suitable partner and have fun creating you fantasy partner.
Dress up your ‘ideal partner’ with all the life and emotional accessories that you know you really need him to wear. The ones that will really having you floating on Cloud Nine because you know he’s probably heaven sent.
After all the Love Gods want you to both be happy, so put a bit of work into it before the just-met-love-drug kicks in, and less time trying to impress through false advertising and immediately going for it in bed.
Love & light, Jane Donovan